This Assignment is Going to Kill Me

For our final project in my literature class, we're supposed to write a short story using some form of the vernacular. Since I don't feel like I can accurately convey a vernacular that is not part of my own cultural background--and since I wouldn't feel comfortable doing so either--I'm pretty much stuck with only one vernacular: Portuengles.

I've been doing a bunch of research, mostly talking to Portuguese-speakers who speak English as their second language, and I have managed to come up with a series of guidelines as to how this vernacular works. For example:

• Words ending in consonants, often have an -ee sound at the end (Ex. Orangee Juicee)
• Words ending in a -d sound end up sounding more like a -gee sound (Ex. Metro Cargee)
• Words ending in a -t sound end up sounding more like a -chee sound (Ex. Bestchee Buy)

And the list goes on and on. Yesterday I tried writing in this vernacular, just for practice. I worked for two hours on one stupid paragraph, and even then it still stinks worse than yesterday's socks.

So it all comes down to this. It's either me or this assignment. One of us will remain standing at the end of this confrontation and right now it's still up for debate as to who it will be. All I know is this isn't just an assignment anymore. It's a matter of survival.